Taser Stun Gun

I am afraid that my sense of humor is going to get me into trouble once again. I was bored this morning and going through old emails and came across this story. I just can not help but share it. Till next time...

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a
guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/ purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO
COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc
of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! I
have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her
microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
could not be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, saw my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser
in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while, I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries, thinking to myself, "no way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, "Don't do it". I'm reasoning that a one-second burst from such
a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... so, I decided to
give myself a one-second burst ..just for the heck of it. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, tingling in my legs. Gracie was standing over me, making meowing sounds I had never heard before licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “that was fun; do it again! Do it again!” Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a taser, one note of caution: There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by violent thrashing about on the floor. A 3-second burst would be considered conservative WOW…That hurt!!!!! A minute or so later (well I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point.) I collected my wits (the few I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace – how did they get up there???? My triceps, right thigh, and nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 pounds. I’m still looking for my testicles; and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return.



Still in shock, Tommy.