Kevin's Goodbye

I opened my drawer and look what I found?

Left Behind

Somehow, I don't think you should find this at a gas pump.

Ole of Duluth

I was sent this while at work today, I have to say I could not help but laugh out loud. I sent it on to John and he shared it with a friend that lives in New York. He had never heard an Ole joke, HOW CAN THAT BE?

A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting,
so he approached his assistant. "Ole, I am goin huntin tomorrow
and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of
the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day
and asks: "So, Ole, how was your day?"

Ole told him that he took care of three patients.

"The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo, Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him
MAALOX, sir," says Ole.

"Bravo, bravo!

You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks
the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a
woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking
off everything including her bra and her panties and lies
down on the table and shouts:

'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!"

"Tunderin' Lard Jayzus, Ole, what did you do?" he asks.

"I put drops in her eyes."

IF MEN VACUUMED

A Toddler's Tea Party!!

Thanks, Melissa, this one put a smile on my face.

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and
my brother, who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a
half years old or 2, and had just recovered from an accident in
which my arm had been broken, among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift
and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living
room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was
playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a
little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups
of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came
home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch
me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest
thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the
hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink
it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place

that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.


How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.


What ingredients are mothers made of ?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.


Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We're related.
2. God knew she like s me a lot more than other people's moms like me.


What kind of little girl was your mom?

1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.


What did mom need to know about dad before she
married him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?


Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.


Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.


What's the difference between moms & dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.


What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.


What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom,
what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

More politically correct

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND
BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is n ot 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers 'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.'

6. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL. '


7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

8 He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.'

9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.'

10. He is not 'HORNY' - He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED.'

11. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE '

More politically correct

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY
CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
'BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER' - She is 'VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.'

3. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

4. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

5. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

6. She is not an 'AIRHEAD' - She is 'REALITY
IMPAIRED.'

7. She does not get 'DRUNK' or 'TIPSY' - She gets 'CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED'

8. She does not have 'BREAST IMPLANTS' - She is 'MEDICALLY ENHANCED.'

9. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

10. She is not a 'TRAMP' - She is 'SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.'

11. She does not have 'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS' - She is 'PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.'

12 She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

Politically Correct

Due
to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians,
Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as
'HILLBILLIES.'

You
must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

Just a little silliness I found in emails this morning.

Sermon

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice,

Mom, what is butt dust?"

Have you ever wondered what idiots look like?

Mohawk

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was
watching a
teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in
all different colors: green, red, orange and blue. My dad kept
staring at
him. The teenager would look and find him staring every
time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's
the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

His response: 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I
was just wondering if you were my son.'

Hooked on Phonics

Into every lesson a little humor must fall...

Jake is 5 and learning to read.

He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, 'Look Mama! It's a
frickin' Elephant!'

Deep breath ... 'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!'

and so it does ....

'A f r i c a n Elephant'

Hooked on phonics!!! Ain't it wonderful?

Tickle Me Elmo

Glitterfy.com - Glitter Graphics

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes
the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle
it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and
she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the
Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws
open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole
line is backing up, putting the entire production line
behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for
himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there
are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're
really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains
of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush
red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece
of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to
carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The P personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself
together and approaches Lena.
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

December 17, 2007

Julie, I thought of you when I saw this.

December 15, 2007

Can you imagine if someone actually did this?

Science Quiz

If you need a good laugh try reading through these children's
science exam answers.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Stress Pig

JUST CLICK ON HER NOSE....she comes in handy when you are having one of those days!

http://people.ambrosiasw.com/~andrew/funny/piggy.swf

Queen of Blondes

This was in an email. John and I could NOT help but laugh. Hope you are all having a great day!

Flight School

Here is some early morning humor!

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the Beach House this weekend.

The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Judy was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

Photographs were taken at the scene show the extent of damage to her aircraft.